just….

yesterday it was raining,i love rains.escpecially the smell of the oli matti(wet mud).it tops my charts in the best smells category.i remember the first rains in mumbai,me and my sister used to run away to the terrace and dance in the rain,it used to be fun.though now theres never time for celebration.i had my practice,the same time.i was thinking about chai and garam bhajjis then,my mum makes awesome bhajjis,but bhajjis are too oily.i cant eat them so i ate chai and parle g.also rains do want me to share it with someone its so romantic,god!but i still dont have a someone,so i share it with my baddy.i have never felt i have sacrificed so many things for my game.and i somehow do feel annoyed when players talk about sacrifices.i mean for me not eating bhajji as i might put on weight,not getting wet in the rain,be cause i might catch a cold,and not having that someone to share it with,because i dont have much time to find a guy are not sacrifices.its the other way round actually,if i am not on the court as i need to do all theses things that would be the sacrifice.its my life,how could i do something else instead of that.

i think love and friendhip are the two english words which just cannot have a correct definition.i mean they are so subjective.a best friend,they say hes the one who is around when noone stands by you.hes the one who criticizes you when everybody sings your praises,hes the won with whom you share all your secrets,things you are ashamed about,your goals,hes someone with whom even if you are sitting in aroom silent for hours together,it might still be time well-spent.there are loads of things that define a best friend.fortunately for me there is one person who qualifies my AAI. noone else comes close.i am not someone who doesnot have friends or is a loner.i love talking and i love meeting people.but the truth is i dont get time to meet new people.i am a sportsperson.the people i call friends are mostly people who play the same game.i am not saying they are not friends they all are and we have had some real great times together.but i cant call anyone my best friend,simply because at the end of the day they all are competitors and we all have to maintain that distance and respect that.in the guys i guess i have ajay….i do tell him a lot of things,he for me is one of the few genuine guys and i truely respect him fo that.and ofcourse i do trust him with secrets,whatever little i have.i dont have many secrets in my life.also intellectually i can discuss things with him.he has a beautiful girl called meghna by his side,and they are truely sensational together.:),theres another guy who knows me well called shetty,he knows most of my things,but hes a bacha,and intellectually we are at different levels.but ya we have had good times and is complete timepass.vinaya is the third person who is a darling,shes the one because of whom i know most of the hep places in pune.she drives me around everywhere,wheverever i want to go.shes just so much fun.

but all the people i mentioned above,are still not people with whom i share my heart and soul.i think its mainly got to do with being a player.i have been playing the game since i am 9,so since an very early age i have learnt to take decisions on my own,starting from the court nobody really helps you once you are on the battlefield,its all you out there by yourself.its lonely.i started travelling alone for tournaments sive i was 12.my parents were busy making money to sponsor me for the tours,so they couldnt leave jobs and accompany me everywhere.so ya i had to take care of myself since then.i ahve been very independent.i started earning my satary since i was 16yrs old.all theses things have made me very self dependent.i know whenever i am down i always look upto myself for support.i have this thing of never letting my parents know if i am tensed or feeling down.due to my life of injuries there are times i feel a low,but i never cry i dont feel the need to.i hate sympathy,i always keep people who give solutions around me.i dont need a shoulder i just need people who believe me as i believe in myself.i somehow feel i have never put myself in a position where i can be helped.i have always tried to find answers within myself.saying all this i am not a saint and i need ajay,shetty,vinaya all of them life will just not make any sense without them.i am filled with gratitude towards them being themselves. at 22yrs i do feel i can be my own best friend ad still be happy.i am cock sure tha t my view will change may be later in life.its so contradicting but thats exactly the way i feel right now.

there is a group of friends i do have from college.when i look at all of them i know that is what friendship means.most of them are friends since school and some of them from college.though they always make me feel one of them and i kno i can count on all of them to help me when i need it,i still somehow feel detatched.simply because i dont get time to meet them often,when i do meet them i dont have a clue about what they are talking.it somehow feels out of place.they are the sweetest bunch of people i have met and i am sure as time passes we are going to have some really good time s together.

so for now i am still discovering friendship and waiting for it to discover me.as for love,man i have never figured out that one.who has????i have had two relationships,but believe me with both of them love had not got anythong to do with it.my first was at 14,for me love was bollywood that time,running around trees and singing songs.and i also thought if aguy kisses you on the cheek you might get pregnant….ahhahaahaha.my guy got a heartattack.yes i was stupid but i was 14 how the hell am i supposed to know? i think kids at 14 today must be asking each other if they are still virgins.this generation i tell you;)….. big surprise we broke up! and the second one ……the guy was sending me and another girl the same shayari,i found out and i laughed my guts out when i confronted him about it.his face was white…ahahhah.ya so i didnt learn shit about love from both of them.and for the last 5yrs i ahve been pretty single.i get scared sometimes i have got used to it and enjoy it too.

though i tell aai i want to experience love once! i want to see how i define it.i have no clue as of now,none.though ya i know how my ideal date could go…..i and the guy should meet up for a game,any game which we both dont have an undue advantage in…the loser pays for the dinner.i hate candle lights and talks about the weather.i dont enjoy that.i think a game is the best way to know the character of the person….as they rightly say sports reveals character i completely agree.and ofcourse if hes a gentleman enough he will lose and come and say to me ‘harke bhi jeetne wale ko bazigaar kehte hain.’haahahhaa….i am joking.he doesnt have to say that but it will be sweet if he lets me win.

after this idea of a date i dont know if i am going to find someone.but i am sure there has to be someone that mad.koi to hoga yaar………kabhi na kabhi mil hi jayega!!!! till then though i am very happy with my singlehood.its pretty awesome..:)

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3 thoughts on “just….

  1. i like especially the part of sacrifices!! doing something you like or love only means you do less of other things which is only good coz you concentrate on what you want more than anything else and that's only fair and fun.
    as far as being single is concerned…i agree with you, it is awesome, in many ways im not gonna detail. we're too young to let someone else share 'spaces' n stuff…how can i let one do that if im still exploring mine? 🙂 so let's make sure we know ourselves better and then should we open our hearts and mind for other people.
    i don't think there is 'one' person who is 'the guy' coz it's too simple….

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  2. love is a connection which u make wit someone..a connection which nobody can define..so dont worry..just wait 4 it..it'l come to u..:) when u realize it you would forget wat all u wrote here..bet me!!!

    Like

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