Aditi VS Aditi

I pray everyday. All I ask him is for a healthy body. I have never asked him for money or for fame or even love for that matter. All I ask him everyday is for a bloody healthy body. Why? I need to play. I have big dreams that I want to achieve. I have been good to people always, genuinely. I pray for everyone’s happiness. I put in 100% honest hard work,day in day out. And what does he do he gives me , a broken leg. I wonder if he’s just blind or just evil.  Does he even exist?

Here she goes again….blah blah blah. You love this no?…crying,sulking. Blaming the heavens, making him feel guilty. Well darling let me tell you it doesn’t matter. If your destined to have a broken leg, you are going to have it. The problem is not the broken leg it really is, what are you going to do about it or with it? For god sake stop being an ass and get on with it.

You bitch! I have always got on with things. This is not the first time I have a serious injury. I have been fighting injuries for the last 7 years and if you haven’t noticed I have done pretty ok inspite of them. I am human too I too have the right to be frustrated, angry. I fear I will lose my will if things keep going on like this.  How much will I take? I am not getting any younger. Parents are going crazy about me playing anymore. They just cant see me in pain anymore. People who once believed in me, don’t believe in me anymore.  They think I am chasing an impossible dream. I am just being stubborn that’s all, they say. The truth is right now there are only two people who believe in me, HEMANT SIR AND DARSHAN SIR. They work hard for me with me and just when we think yes our time has come, BANG! I am back to step 1 being  injured. I put them through so much of pain too.

Oh god! You are such a drama queen no? Since when did we decide to believe in not making your own destiny. I mean when you got injured at  17, people thought it was over. Did it matter to you? It didn’t. You still believed in doing your thing. You did and results are for you to see. Yes I agree things are different. You are 24, your parents want you to get married, and people ask you if you have already left badminton. All you want to do is slap them because you know how hard you are working to compete. But aditi, c’mon you know better than that. People will always be people. They will have opinions, they will laugh at your goals, they will give you the wrong advice, even give you a genuine advice to stop competing because they really care about your wellbeing. You know that’s how the world is always going to be.  You know you don’t need anyone to believe in you but yourself. If you believe in your hardwork the world can go to hell. Hemant sir and darshan sir are enough world you need. If they are ready to help you dream, don’t you think it’s enough people you need?

Ya ya! I know this. Though I’m scared ya. I mean what if I am chasing an impossible dream? What if I will never really be fit to compete? I hate fear. I just hate it. I live with it everyday. Sometimes I think my parents are right. I should get married, settle down, explore other things, may be study literature.  I want to travel the world. I want to fall in love and experience every moment of it. I feel like I have put everything on hold, my life. Is my dream real and actually worth it?

  You need to lose fear aditi. You really need to. Everyone is scared and everyone is finding ways to deal with it.  You need to start believing in your dream. The truth is there’s some amount of self doubt that has creeped in you, which you didn’t have when you were 17. May be it’s because of the constant negativity around you,  of people writing you off. But you know this, you live to play. You dream your dream everyday. You already have the speech you are going to deliver after you win your title ready for god sake. That’s all you want and you know you will happily sacrifice anything for it, without a tear. So why be scared, why doubt? And once again you are just 24 not 34, you are not being stupid, yes stubborn may be but not stupid.

God!! you know I hate you. You always do this, always. You just make so much sense. You make it so difficult to be me. You just don’t let me cry. There are millions of times I want to cry till my eyes have no water left in them, but you keep telling me to save it for later, when I will be standing on the podium and i always believe you and don’t cry. You just make me believe I’m super human and that I can conquer everything and I like a idiot believe you every single time.

You should thank me darling. I know you love me. You know I’m responsible for you being you. You know without me you would have been just a injured 17 year old who had potential and never realised it, because she wasn’t destined to.

I believe there are always two me’s in us. One that is positive the other that is negative. Great things are possible only if we let the positive dominate the negative. It’s not easy, really not easy, but I try everyday one day at a time, and then hope, just hope that one day things will be exactly the way I want them to be.

P.S. This rambling is the result of the last two crazy weeks. I was told that I have a very bad knee 4 months back and that I will have to play with pain all my competitive life. I worked for 4 months flat day in day out and actually got a strong, pain free knee. My doctors said it was a miracle what I had managed. I was looking forward to a great nationals in September. But two weeks back I got my ankle twisted quite badly and then also conjunctivitis.  So these are the kind of conversations I have everyday with myself, well I have been stranded at home for two weeks and am pretty jobless, so let’s just say I keep  myself  some ‘me’ company!!