Dear Allah,Ram and Jesus,

It’s been a while since I have written a letter. The last one I wrote was to mother on her birthday (in really bad Marathi) stating how much I love her. I was 15 then. My mother started crying and I thought it was because of my very bad Marathi, but then she ran over and hugged me so I guess it made her happy. For a while now there has been a desperate need to start writing letters. I didn’t know whom to start with so I started with You.

To tell You the truth you completely confuse me. Your existence is such a mystery. I personally keep swinging towards being a believer to being an atheist. I mean look at you, you have so many names, you come in so many shapes. Some say you are one tiny red dot, some say you come in the shape of Hanuman. I am sure if you exist in a little cooler version, you must be sitting on a beach with your legs up, sipping your drink and laughing at all the theories we mortals make about you.

You were instilled upon me with the use of fear, that I remember. My mother won’t give me food if I didn’t recite all the shlokas she had taught me at 7 every evening. I remember I didn’t know half of those Sanskrit words in the shlokas so when she was not listening I would use words from the latest bollywood songs. Mother would hear it and warn me about the no food scenario so I would again try to get back to the Sanskrit.  If I didn’t share my chocolate with a friend, grandma would come to me and say pointing her finger upwards, “Aditi, share your things with your friends. He is watching all our acts.” I would look up and see a fan and wonder, but then share that chocolate.

I think the time I really believed in your existence was after my first knee surgery.  My mother told me some Panditji had told her that I need to go a Shankar temple every Monday morning. I had to go around the temple ,21 times. She told me that if I do this I could get back to playing.  ” Just do it with Faith.”, she said. As this involved getting to play I did it for all the six months of rehab. The first 3 months in Pune, the next three in Bangalore. I used to get out at 6 every morning and sneak out on a Sunday to a temple nearby. I felt my flatmates in Bangalore would laugh at me, so I chose the early hours, much before they woke up. I did comeback very strongly into the circuit after those 6 months and I would pray and thank you everyday.

As I grew older good things and bad things happened. There were ups and downs. My praying patterns also changed with times. Though I always came back to you in all my lows. I started doing the 21 chakkars  recently after an ankle injury and I thought may be you will get me back, but I suffered another hamstring pull. I haven’t been to the temple since. If I have, I have never asked for a free gift or a miracle. I just come and say thank you for everything I have and I don’t.

Today I have no idea where I stand on the debate of your existence. In all these years there is one thing I have learnt though, my life is in my hands. Its all about your karma. If you work your way up honestly, with passion and a dream, good things happen. If you love the people around you with all your heart, they always love you back.  I have realised more responsibility I take in working towards my happiness, the more happier I am.

Though I must say you humble me down just when I think I have full control of my life. I realise I am really such a small dot in the scheme of things when I stand on that hill, near my house watching that beautiful sunset. May be you are nature that is all around me.  Or may be you are that faith that mother talks about, or that black thread that mother has tied around my ankle hoping it will save me from  another injury. What are you??? I know ,I know I am never going to get an actual answer. Am I?

Its cool! I am just 26 now so I have some time to get all enlightened.  Till then you sip your drink on that beach and laugh at me.

Take care,

Your believer and non-believer,

Aditi.